Sons of Tucson S01E01 -= Pilot =-
Gugasms & elderman English version: elderman & honeybunny
www.insubs.com www.addic7ed.com
I'm happy.
Well Gina, listen to me, I'm fine all right. I landed on my feet.
I got a great new place, I'm there right now actually.
Umhmm. Aw, it's in a great neighborhood. Lots of natural light.
Listen I gotta go, I'm on the other line okay?
Say hi to the new boyfriend for me. Bye.
Tony, sorry about that, it was the ex.
Poor thing just can't move on, you know what I mean?
All right look Tony, Tony, calm down, listen.
Just give me until the end of business tomorrow
and I'll have your $2,000, okay.
Well that's just really mean.
All right... look, look, look, I'm picking up these antique toy soldiers,
their mint, they're worth way more than $2,000, trust me.
Hey, I'm at the dentist, can I call you back?
Oh, Tony! Hey, you're here... Why didn't you...uh...
That's a really great shirt you're having.
- Just give me till the end of tomorrow. - Noon.
Ok, noon, yeah...
This is the guy I was talking about. Ron Snuffkin.
Watch me.
- He's a creep! - Exactly, he's perfect.
We're working too hard. Let's just put an ad on Craig's list.
Wanted. Father for three boys. Bam, we're done.
Good idea! A foot race between t he pervs and child services.
- Bam! We're screwed. - I liked my "Bam" better.
- It's an excellent choice. - I'm seeing butt-crack.
- Are we this desperate? - Shoe-lace untied.
Yes, we are. We've been over a hundred people, now. We need a dad today.
Let's just spread out and watch him.
Oh, sorry I'm late, folks. I have some good news.
Just got the new BowFlex in. Something to think about, ma'am?
Can I speak to your manager?
You don't wanna do that. What's going on?
You told me these sleeping-bags are rated at 10 below.
My family almost froze to death.
- And you, you all wore the thermals? - You never mentioned it.
You have to keep your wrist loose.
I'm sure I did. You can check the security footage if you like.
Unfortunately, I have to pass this on to another service rep,
I'm dealing with a bit of a personal crysis.
Yeah? And what's that?
My brother and his wife and kids, they live in Seattle.
They just got hurt pretty, pretty badly...
at a lumber-jack event.
A chain-saw kicked up on them...
And I need to catch a flight up there right now, at the ICU.
Intensive Care Unit...
I hate to keep you from your choped-up relatives,
but you think you can exchange this rollerblades?
- Before you head to the airport... - My God. Have some compassion.
Alright, people, this is it for me.
Sara Beth will help you back in about an hour.
Pardon me, Sir. Got a minute?
I'm on break, boys. It'll have to wait.
- What are you doing? - Hpw you feel about
- lying for money? - Keep talking.
- We need a dad for the day. - Say what?
Wait, first, if you could have dinner with any person in history
- what would you eat? - Not sure, but it would be wrapped in bacon.
He's good.
- We'll give you $200 for an hour's work. - $200? What do I have to do?
Fake out the school secretary, pretend to be our dad
- and sign us up for school. - Ron, is there a problem out here?
No, no problem, Eric. Thank you, it's all good.
There are several people just standing in line at the customer's service.
Hey, did you check the suggestion box?
I filled up one of the comment cards.
- Nice! - Yeah. Go get it!
So are you in, Ron?
Can we just slow this down for a second? I don't even know your guys names.
Gary, Brandon, Robby.
Details are all in there. Be at school by noon.
Wear a suit.
- I don't have a suit. - We can give you one of dad's old ones.
He's not gonna need it any time soon.
Ok, I'm gonna be honest with you guys,
- You kinda scare me a little right now. - No problem.
We'll find someone else who wants to do some easy money. Come on.
See ya. Don't tell the police about us.
Hey, hey, hey! Wait a sec!
Listen! I am interested, ok, but...
Alright, step a bit aside.
What is the deal with your real dad?
We're not gonna get into that.
- You guys didn't kill him, did you? - No!
- Did he kill someone? - He's a banker!
Oh, so he's in prison?
Oh my God, he's in prison. What was it? Mortgages, mail fraud, what?
It was a stock thing. 25 years.
He sorta stole from the rich and gave to some other rich.
From who later he stole again but not as much.
Brandon, shut up! And it's not gonna be 25 years!
He's gonna escape anyway.
- Right. - Look, man,
we don't wanna end up being foster kids, so please, keep your mouth shut?
OK, alright, so where's mom?
- She left a long time ago. - And you guys are really on yor own?
Probably living in a car or something?
- Who does that? - No one.
Our dad kept an investment home in cash over ***.
We made it all the way here by ourselves from Jersey.
Robby ***
Those beans were mine.
Make a break time, Ron. What do you say? $200 for an hour's work?
Alright, boys, let's play house.
This suit is not cut well.
Have you been in a suit that is cut well?
Don't worry about the suit. It's all about the walk, okay?
A good model can sell a garbage bag.
- Hiya. - Hi!
So, good looking bunch you got there.
- Oh, don't I know it? It's all their mother. - Where is mom?
Still in picture?
No...
No, she never left the "Big Easy",
New Orleans... You've heard of it?
It's a great town. Great great town. It's a shame we had to live,
but nevertheless it's a town that haunts our every moment,
I mean the biys dream of flood waters every night,
Me myself was strung with addictions to anti-psychotics, meta-amphetamines,
When my bride... ***, as she called her,
When she...When she passed... We got.. We just...
It's ok.
Is it?
Yeah, just give a shout when you're done and you guys'd be good to go.
Oh, that sounds wonderful, thank you.
Down stick. That's how it's done.
I gotta ask. Did you have that Katrina thing going in, or did it just come up?
- No, no, I was just getting in the zone. - You just missed our turn.
Yeah, I know, I lied to you. We gotta do a quick stop.
Ron!
Look, I just gotta show my grandma that I got a family now. That's all.
We got a little falling out a few years ago, a disagreement where the country was headed.
She's not doing so well now and I feel guilty
About calling her an Eisenhower doucebag.
So what do you kids say? You wanna help cheer an old lady before she dies?
I'm out of here.
- What the hell are you doing? - ***!
That is insane! Ok, everybody just calm the hell down!
We're gonna just pay a little visit to an old lady. That is all.
Alright. Let's make this quick.
I'm not going!
We'll wait here. Point to us. We'll wave and smile.
Ok, fine. Wave good.
We chose the wrong dad!
We could have gone with that biker guy I picked out.
- He was black, Brandon! - You have no imagination.
What if mom was albina?
- Go to hell! - I can't yet!
- I have kids to raise. - You don't have kids!
I do, they're with me right now, in fact, okay?
And I wanna tell you I love them each so much,
They're so special, it's just they open my eyes to something new every day,
They just...
Stole my car! Unbelieveable! Kids!
No driving!
Okay! Well done!
I just want you to know that you really disappointed Ethel, okay?
Another thing. This is $180. You short me 20, you short stack.
We deducted my $20 you took off the floor.
Oh, I didn't think you saw that.
So, huh, this is a pretty decent setup you got going on here.
What are we looking at, like, 3,000 square feet?
What's the temp like inside?
We're busy, Ron.
Yeah, yeah, I know. Me, too.
Why don't you guys just let me come in and hang out
for little bit, huh? The AC's out at my place.
That place?
Yeah, it's temporary, okay?
Look, you guys, I took
sick day to come and help you.
The least you could do is invite me in.
Ron, we're fine on our own.
Yeah, loser!
Okay, look, guys, let's just...
Ron, our dad was a major player
in the banking world. You sell balls.
See a difference there?
Little bit, maybe?
What the... ? Who threw that?!
Have fun with that.
You can keep the bicyclette.
Oh, brother.
? ?
What in the world is going on 4out here?!
Get your hot links!
Bratwurst! Polish sausage!
We only have hot dogs. We're selling dreams, Robby.
What are you doing? Nobody cleared this booth with me.
We are supposed to be keeping a low profile.
You're the one who's always talking about trying to fit in.
This will give us a perfect chance to meet new people.
Let them get to know us... through our meats.
I'll have a bratwurst.
See?
Coming right up.
Let me just fire up the grill.
Oh, what happened? I don't know.
Oops.
And now they know us.
Okay. Let's go.
Hey.
Oh, brother. What do you guys want?
We need you again.
Same drill as before.
A little small talk with the principal.
You know, "Nice weather we're having.
Sorry about the explosion, " and you're out of there.
What happened?
Robbie stole some camping fuel from your store
and launched a fireball
at the school's fall festival.
You can see the outline of the stilt man on the gym wall.
Nice work. Piss off!
You piss off! You-You know what?
I shouldn't even be talking to you guys
after the way you treated Ethel. You know that?
But I like you kids.
And clearly, you need me.
So, let's call a spade a spade here.
A thousand bucks.
No way. $300.
Okay. All right. I get it.
You're kids. Your back's up against the wall.
You're vulnerable.
$500. $350.
Deal. Get in. Come on.
All right. So, $400 it is.
Plus, a small, little favor.
Ow, God.
Where's my money?!
What's his problem?
When did you get to town?
Last week. A few months ago.
Uh...
Last week,
but it feels like a few months ago.
That's Tucson for you, right?
How old is Robby?
He's nine. Eight.
Eight?
Oh. How old is he?
He's eight.
Can you explain
how an eight-year-old got ahold of camping fuel?
He gave it to me. No clue.
Uh, Robby, why don't you go out to the car
and start the air conditioner for me?
It gets hot, you know?
Go on. Chop, chop.
Robby?
Whatever. Oh.
You. The, uh, Rollerblader, right?
Wow.
You're Robby's father?
Yeah, I am.
Perfect.
John, the kid brought an explosive
onto school property--
Well, actually, it was camping fuel.
Sally Teal's gonna need
therapy and a wig.
I can't have them in class together.
Maggie, you have the only class with room for another student.
John, I have 34 kids
and with Robby, you're killing me.
Guys, let's not blame Robby, okay?
Let's blame the person
responsible here.
His father.
You know, he hasn't been around much lately.
You get a good job. Start climbing up in the ranks.
Next thing you know, you wake up one morning,
and you are literally living at your office.
It starts small. You miss a practice, then a game.
Then the season is gone.
They say they don't mind,
but their eyes tell a different story.
The kids are asking you to come to career day,
but you're not going to be there,
'cause you can't even hear them. Want to know why?
'Cause you're too busy crushing
1988.
I was superintendent of the Flagstaff school system.
Had a portrait at City Hall,
my pick of tables at the best restaurants...
and a pair of sons selling crack cocaine out of my basement.
You think the principal suspects anything?
Who cares?
We do, Robby! If they find us,
they'll split us up.
You want to go live with some weird foster mom
with a bunch of cats?
You always go right to that old lady with the cats.
What about the kids who end up with celebrities
and sports legends?
'Cause that's who I'd pick.
Check it out.
Oh. We're just glad
to have you Gundersons here in Tucson.
Likewise. Looks like we're okay.
So, we're all good?
Absolutely. Yes.
And we'll let Maggie make that call on Robby.
om. Okay.
Right. Uh... So, uh...
We're all good, right? No.
I have a few more questions.
How can you assure me that Robby--
Is this going to take more than one minute?
What do you think?
It's just, I have an urgent appointment off campus
I have to get to. So, I'll tell you what.
Why don't you and I finish this tonight?
10:00? Drinks? Stallion Club?
4:00. No drinks. In my classroom.
If you're late, you're home-schooling Robby.
Okay, sounds good, Maggie.
Miss Morales is fine.
Miss Morales.
You little...
What are you doing? Close the deal.
Yeah. I will, at 4:00.
But I'm much less persuasive if I'm dead.
What's the deal, Ron?
You want to know the deal?
There. That's the King and Patriots collection.
Worth two grand.
Those are actually somewhere inside my Grandma Ethel's house.
I got to find them and sell them, so I can pay back Tony.
The, uh, nice gentleman you met with the baseball bat earlier.
I still don't understand why you need us.
Ah, she's got this weird thing
about keeping them in the family,
passing them down to the kids.
I don't care if they're your kids.
I don't care if they're Jerry's kids.
They're not getting anywhere near
those soldiers.
Okay, but you said you wanted
to keep them in the family.
I also said I'm not a racist,
but that doesn't make it true.
Oh, son of a bitch!
Those damn squirrels are in my bird feeder again!
Uh-huh.
She's gone.
Now, go find them.
Oh, my God. Unbelievable.
Keep him occupied, okay?
What? He's got a bat!
Well, then, find a ball!
Uh... Okay, that thing in the bus station bathroom.
On it.
? ?
What are you doing? Oklahoma!
What?
Oh, thank God. The doctor. What?
We don't need a doctor! We need a priest!
We are not letting her die, Gary! Come here!
Oh!
You have to save Grandma! I think she's dying!
Let her die with dignity!
You took an oath! What?
Look around. Is this any kind of life?
Okay. Enough!
Okay, she's ready now.
What? Uh...
What am I doing?
We can't play God.
Get in there and help the poor woman.
Oh!
Ah!
No. No, no, no!
Oh. Oh.
Oh, Ethel.
Oh, no.
? ?
Oops.
Play time's over, boys.
Where is he?
Let's just tell him. Gary.
No, really. We don't owe him anything.
He's in basement.
Put down the.... right.
I'm gonna rip you....
Oh.
Now, you guys get his pants off
and i'll go pickout the right wig..
Uh, I can't believe she actually--
We agreed not to talk about it. Just get us to school, please.
Hey.
No, no!
No, no, no!
N-n--
Wow. What is that, a word castle?
Look at that. That is very creative.
You missed your chance. I'm busy.
Aww. What are you doing?
I'm transcribing the history of papier-mâché.
The printer doesn't work.
I thought that was a microwave.
I told you 4:00.
I know, I know, I know.
I'm going to be totally honest with you right now, okay?
I was saving a man's life this afternoon.
I'm finishing this,
and then I need to get my car out of the impound.
Impound? Listen.
Why don't you wait until tomorrow. I can help you
because I know Carlos down there really well.
No. I promised myself I'd get it done today.
It's been there for two weeks and I just need to deal with it.
I'm tired of rules being to school
it gives me funny.
Yeah, uh, I can see that. Look I get it, I get it, you know,
You're overworked, under appreciated You're thinkin', what's one more kid? You know.
"can't save them all." So what?
Robby turns to a life of crime in the streets, odds are he's not gonna rob your house.
I'm a teacher, I don't have a house.
Look all right, all right. What if I solve your printer problem?
Then can Robby stay?
Come on, please!
Fine. Deal.
There's no way you're gonna get that printer fixed though.
Oh. No, no, no. I'm not going to fix it.
You're right, Ron.
I should just man up and tell my boy that I love him.
You will thank yourself for it Johnny.
And do not forget to journal it, Okay?
And again, I am just so sorry about the printer, Maggie.
It's a disgrace.
Just don't let the other teachers know I let you have mine.
So um... Robby can start tomorrow Ms.Moralez?
Maggie's fine.
Oh... well that's a new progression.
I'll get it.
Unh. This is good day huh?
So what's on the schedule for manana?
Well, we'll be going to school, and you'll be eating dashboard bacon.
A, uh, actually I think we work pretty well together. Don't you?
Thinkin' maybe we should make this a bit more of a regular gig?
That's a pretty big step, Ron, and you're kinda annoying.
You're kinda annoying! You know. See you're acting like a child. Okay.
You guys are gonna need me a lot more than you think.
What if you need a doctor's note for school?
Or a ride to the mall? Plus, I can buy beer!
Not, not that you should be drinking. You should not be drinking.
Although, it can be fun, sometimes. You know, but you will do incredible things.
Don't drink That's what I'm getting at. Don't drink
Plus, don't forget your teacher and your principal both think I'm your dad
What's your offer and make it short?
Okay, I make myself available to you whenever you need me for 500 bucks a week,
- plus a room in the house. - We can't afford that.
we'll find somebody else when we need a dad.
Okay. Fine.
All right. $300 a week, but you stay out of our hair.
Okay.
Got it.
Aw...oh wow. Wow.
Yeah, this is good. You guys won't even know I'm here, I promise.
I might snore a little bit but if I do, just chuck a shoe at my head or somethin
Although that might trigger the night rages. Well work it out. Fine.
Wow. Is that a 50" flat screen?
Yeah. We got 500 channels, a full sports package and all the premiums.
Yeah but you probably won't see it from there.
Oh why, what's that?
The tool shed. Where you'll be living.
www.insubs.com
Oh, come on!
We neeed you.
Sorry, I'm actually off the clock right now. So..
You said, whenever we need you.
I did Okay, allright. Fine
What are you doing.
Uh. I see. Oaky.
Ah, there we go.
All right, close your eyes and tilt your head to the right.
- Ron? - Did it work? I wasn't looking.